Gretel and Hansel
by Greta Darken
Summary: An...interesting retelling of "Hansel and Gretel".


**Author's Note:** Just one caveat, really—I tend to swear like a sailor sometimes. This story is one of those times. If you're not okay with fairly frequent swearing you might want to skip this one out. Also, I wrote this one day when I was really bored in a class. I felt that some fairy tales just needed to be revised a bit, especially as far as the heroines go. Thus why Gretel gets top-billing this time. Um. Enjoy?

"Gretel and Hansel"

Once upon a time in a land far, far away that happens to resemble Germany lived a little, impoverished family of four: a woodcutter, his wife, and his two children, Hansel and Gretel. The woodcutter's wife was not the children's birth mother. Their real mother died years ago under mysterious circumstances. For some reason the woodcutter decided to marry a complete bitch who treated Hansel and Gretel like crap. They surmised that she must be incredible in the sack and/or their father is an absolute douchebag.

Anyway, the little family was so poor there was scarcely enough food between them. Since the bitchy stepmother hated Hansel and Gretel and wanted more food for herself, she somehow convinced her milquetoast husband to abandon his own children deep in the woods. When I say somehow I mean unspeakable sexual acts that even the most seasoned harlot would charge (quite literally) a leg and an arm for. And, since this family lived in a crappy little cottage and not a mansion, Hansel and Gretel heard absolutely everything.

As they were trying to unsee and unhear what was happening below their loft, Hansel and Gretel decided to have a serious discussion about the next course of action:

"I can't believe they're actually going to leave us for dead in the woods," Gretel whispered frantically.

"I can," Hansel replied rather bluntly. "That bitch has had it out for us since she shacked up with Father."

"That's true."

After awhile they came up with a brilliant plan ("brilliant" as in you would have to be either a naïve child or a moron to believe that). There happened to be a Zen rock garden next to their little cottage, abundant with white pebbles that shone in the moonlight like vigils. Hansel would drop a few pebbles along the way so that they would be able to find their way home in the darkness. Gretel was too tired to argue and so it was.

The next morning the children woke up to a rather nice breakfast (all things considered) and an uncharacteristically nice stepmother. As Hansel and Gretel confusedly nibbled at their breakfast the stepmother spoke:

"Guess what? We are going to the woods to…cut wood."

She said this as if it were a treat instead of a normal occurrence.

"So?"

"Sooo…your father and I have decided to try a different part of the woods."

***

So, they began their journey. Hansel sort of lagged behind dropping the pebbles, much to the stepmother's impatience.

"What the hell is wrong with you, boy?!"

"Why, I was waving goodbye to my kitten up on the roof."

"That's the sun you little simpleton!" she scolded, clenching her fists to the side. "Thank God we're getting rid of you," she muttered under her breath.

As they got deeper and deeper into the woods, Hansel and Gretel both wondered how their stepmother seemed to know where she was going. After what seemed like hours they came to a halt.

"Rest now, my darlings. Take a nap. Your father and I will be back for you when we're finished," the stepmother said with sinister glee.

The two children woke up much later unsurprised that they were still there. As they followed the white pebbles home Gretel thought of something.

"Why would we want to go back there?"

"Huh?" Hansel stopped to look at her strangely.

"Stepmother's a bitch, Father is a pussy-whipped asshat, and being poor sucks."

"What are you getting at, sis?"

"I'm saying maybe in some incredibly fucked-up way Stepmother did us a favor. We're free!"

Hansel laughed derisively.

"Yeah, but Gretel, we're just two vulnerable kids."

"I don't know about you, but I'd rather be eaten alive by wolves or sold to pirates than continue on like this."

Her brother paused to consider.

"I guess you have a point. What a dick our father is…but where would we go?"

"Who cares?" Gretel shrugged, deviating from their original path.

By sunup they spotted a cottage that appeared to be made out of gingerbread and candy. At first they thought it was an insomniac hallucination, but as they bit into the chocolate roof and lollipop bug zappers they realized that this was all for real.

"I wonder how this can stand the rain," Gretel pondered as she munched into a taffy gutter. Suddenly, an elderly woman emerged from within the cottage. "Holy shit!" they shrieked in unison. They did not really know how to react.

"So, you think you can just eat other people's houses, huh?" the old woman rasped.

"Why do you even have an edible house?" Hansel asked incredulously. The old woman just blinked.

"Why not?"

They did not really have an answer to that, though they certainly had more questions.

"So, aren't you gonna come in?" the old woman asked casually. Since this was before the times of "Don't talk to strangers" and "Just say no", Hansel and Gretel shrugged off any qualms they had about going inside this weird old woman's house…and did.

Since the brother and sister hadn't eaten since the ass-crack of dawn they wolfed down the food, that for some reason was already prepared, ravenously. After stuffing their faces with lobster Thermidor and Kobe beef, Hansel and Gretel were well exhausted. Strangely enough, the old woman had two twin beds all ready for them. Since the evening had been pretty fucked-up already they didn't question the hospitality.

Of course, it had all been too good to be true. The old woman was really a child-eating witch. Apparently, abandoned children were not in short supply. Since Hansel was older, fatter, and a boy, the witch decided she wanted to eat him first.

"Why don't you just eat him now?" Gretel asked curiously. Hansel glared at her as if to say "What the hell are you doing?".

"He isn't fat enough yet," the witch responded simply. "Now go…frost the windows or something."

"Does this mean I get to live?" Gretel asked hopefully.

"For now."

***

All her life Gretel had gotten the short end of the stick, so she smiled at her good fortune. For reasons unknown, the old legally blind hag was able to overpower a relatively healthy young boy and imprison him in an old rabbit hutch out back. "It must have been all the strudel he ate," Gretel mused.

After locking the rabbit hutch the witch said, "Don't even bother trying to escape." From this point on Hansel became progressively more psychologically damaged. And, while she didn't hate her brother, Gretel was kind of enjoying the "power" she had above him; at least, as much as she could, being this psychotic bitch's prisoner and future dinner notwithstanding.

Day after day for about a week the witch had Gretel bring Hansel fatty meals. When she wasn't fattening her brother up the witch had her do chores. Since there's not much one can do with a gingerbread house she mostly sat around and resented her brother for getting the good stuff while she survived on bread crusts and crab shells — yes, _crab shells_. Then again, at least she could move around and be content with the thought that she wouldn't be eaten for awhile. She also began to wonder whether or not her current position was better than it had been with her balless father and cunty stepmother. It was a tossup.

At the end of each day the witch checked to see whether or not Hansel was fat enough to slaughter. In truth, Hansel had become something akin to gelatinous thanks to his new diet, but he deceived the witch into believing he was ~pro-ana~ by putting out an old finger bone instead of his actual finger. "Fucking childhood metabolism," the witch would mutter. The shame of having been unable to take on a blind old lady was still fresh in his fragile little mind.

Eventually, the witch decided that even if Hansel was a twig he was good enough to eat.

"Gretel! Get your ass in here! I need you to help me roast your brother alive. See if the oven is hot enough."

Gretel figured she had had enough fun at her brother's expense. It was all starting to feel a bit too much like _Mystic River_.

"Gee, I'm afraid I don't know how to work an oven."

The witch grumbled and made her way to the already blazing oven. Without a word Gretel pushed the witch into the inferno and locked the door. The screams were deafening, but Gretel felt oddly exhilarated. Plus, she would never let Hansel hear the end of how she was able to take on an old decrepit crone when he couldn't.

She went to the rabbit hutch and freed her brother who had been watching through the window. "Holy shit! I can't believe you did that!" he exclaimed in awe. Gretel beamed.

"It was nothing. Now, let's raid her house! Then we can go back home and flaunt our newfound wealth before we go to Malta or something." So, they did. And, Hansel managed to lose a couple of pounds on the walk back. They were barely on the threshold when their father came running out.

"Oh my God! My children! You're alive!"

"Yeah, no thanks to you," Gretel replied bitterly. The woodcutter just blinked.

"Anyway, your stepmother is dead and we can be a family again!" Unexpectedly, Hansel spoke up.

"Look, we didn't come back here to play happy families with you."

"…What?"

"For fuck's sake, you left us to die in the bloody woods!"

"But…it was her idea, I just —"

"Oh, come on, Dad. Did you relinquish your balls the day you married that bitch?" Gretel added tartly. Before he could respond, Hansel continued.

"Over the past few days I have had time to think. You're a shitty father. For some reason our mother loved you enough to marry you and get knocked up by you. Regardless, our blood doesn't make us obligated to play your cute, attentive children. You only want us here to appease your underlying guilt that has no doubt increased since that cow died. In short: Fuck you."

"On that note: NYEH! WE'RE RICH AND YOU'RE NOT!" Gretel yelled happily. They danced a couple circles around their speechless father and skipped away merrily.

THE END


End file.
